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Postby jieh2008 » Sat May 30, 2009 2:22 pm

A new priest came to town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection basket. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Priest’s note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
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Postby Abou Jamra » Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:02 pm

A LETTER WROTE BY A JUNKIE TO ZAVEN (OF THE FAMOUS TALK SHOW 'SIRIWINFATAHETT')

Dear Zaven,

I am a crack dealer in Basta who has recently been diagnosed as carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb of Beirut (al Dahiyeh) and
one of my sisters, who lives in Jounieh, is married to a transvestite. My
father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana in their small garden and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters who are prostitutes in Maameltein. I have two brothers. One is
currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Roumieh for murder of a
teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the
Trablos Jail on charges of neglecting his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jieh and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my uncle who wants to vote for 14 march lists ?

Signed,

Worried about my reputation
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Postby jieh2008 » Tue Jun 09, 2009 11:04 am

Sorry guys it is a long one.
While walking down the street one day a Lebanese politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
But we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a five stars hotel and in it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in formal dresses. They run to greet him, hug him, and talking about the past and about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game cards and Tawleh and then dine on a different foods including caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing with his friends the Iranian, Saudis , Syrian, Palestinians and the Junblatis .
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the politician answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," the politician said speaking with hesitation and repetitions. Yesterday I was here and there was a green garden and five stars hotel and we ate good foods and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
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Postby jieh2008 » Tue Jul 21, 2009 4:02 pm

This guy calls Middle East Airline and asks "How long does it take to get from Beirut to Amman? "The rep says, “One minute . please, ” and the guy says, “ Ok Thank you for your help”
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Postby Abou Jamra » Thu Jul 23, 2009 1:39 pm

شيخ ينصح سكران: النفس دائما تستطيب الحلال ، حتى أغبى الحيوانات ، الحمار إذا حطيت قدامو دلو مي ودلو خمر، شو بشرب؟

قال السكران: أكيد الماء .

الشيخ ( بفرح ): طيب ليش ؟؟

السكران: لأنه حمــار يا شيخ !!؟
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Postby jieh2008 » Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:34 am

THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Dubai WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO Dubai AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY she will have to sit in the back, but no success
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK 'BLONDE.' "
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."
SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO Dubai .
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Postby Abou Jamra » Mon Aug 03, 2009 1:45 pm

1:11pm Former MP Nayla Moawad after meeting Phalange leader Amin Gemayel: There is confusion in Jumblat’s stances. We won’t comment on them until after entering into dialogue with him
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Postby jieh2008 » Tue Aug 04, 2009 11:29 am

Someone like a pilot (who speaks Junblatt) should whisper in her ears and tell her that Junblatt is going in one direction which is the left, not straight, not right, just left, left and left to catch his tail.
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Postby jieh2008 » Sat Aug 08, 2009 3:12 pm

Mary (lets us call that) the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George (let us call him that), of being an immoral after she saw his car in front of a house one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his car in front of Mary’s house … and left it there all night.
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Postby jieh2008 » Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:17 pm

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
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Postby jieh2008 » Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:04 pm

A Polish immigrant went to the doctor to check his eyes in Sydney.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The doctor showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the doctor asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Postby jieh2008 » Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:52 pm

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad is a baladiyyeh president scribbles his name on a piece of paper, he calls it a stamps fees and it takes him one hour to count the money.
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Postby jieh2008 » Sat Aug 29, 2009 1:46 pm

fyi:
Victoria Anne "Vicki" Reggie Kennedy (born February 26, 1954) is an American lawyer and the widow of U.S. Senator Edward ’TED’ Moore Kennedy.
the second of six children, was born in Crowley , Louisiana to Louisiana judge and banker Edmund M. Reggie and Doris Ann Boustany Reggie, .She is of Lebanese descent, as all her grandparents were Maronites from Beirut, Lebanon who immigrated to the U.S. and settled in Crowley. The grandparents became important players in the local Roman Catolic church and their children became involved in business and politics.
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Postby jieh2008 » Thu Nov 26, 2009 4:15 pm

Quiz:
During a visit to Deir El Saleeb , a baladyeh president asked the Director what the criteria was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
The question is what a baladyeh president would use?
I will post my answer later.
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Postby haroun » Fri Nov 27, 2009 4:42 am

Neither, I bet he hires someone for few $$ to drill a hole at its bottom !!!!

شمعون: حرام أن يعير احد عون أهمية لأن دواءه ليس عندنا بل في العصفورية
الجوزو: لقد سقط لبنان وسقطت حكوماته، بفضل إرهاب حزب الله
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