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Postby jieh2008 » Mon Dec 01, 2008 12:55 am

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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Postby jieh2008 » Tue Dec 02, 2008 1:03 am

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake
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Postby jieh2008 » Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:14 am

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
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Postby jieh2008 » Mon Dec 08, 2008 12:29 pm

Two friends rented a boat to go fishing. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent a boat again, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
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Postby Abou Jamra » Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:04 pm

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"My expectations as always are low" Haroun on Jieh council
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Postby jieh2008 » Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:22 pm

Actual transcript from meeting of "Lebanese Comunity Organizations of Anytown":
#1: I am the leader.
#2: No, I am the leader, you are not the leader.
#3: No, he is the leader, I am the President.
#2: Are your saying I'm not the leader?
#4: Wait, I am the leader.
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Postby haroun » Wed Dec 17, 2008 5:48 am

At the end we all saw who was dragged out of that room like a dog!
This shoe thrower is the product of a typical irrational Arab culture and a Lebanese university school of journalism. Obviously he learned his profession from the best but opted to make the news rather than report it.

W could care less how this shoe thrower and other Arabs feel about him! He did what he believed was necessary and demonstrated to the terrorists what awaits them. I love this man.

شمعون: حرام أن يعير احد عون أهمية لأن دواءه ليس عندنا بل في العصفورية
الجوزو: لقد سقط لبنان وسقطت حكوماته، بفضل إرهاب حزب الله
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Postby jieh2008 » Thu Dec 18, 2008 2:38 pm

I think the Iraqis wished they were still being ruled and oppressed by Saddam Hussein and his sons. This journalist has been planning this for a while and he missed twice, what a loser?
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Postby haroun » Fri Dec 19, 2008 6:17 pm

This is a nice article by Atef 3ezzi, (not Azzi). So much for Arab Hospitality, I always thought it was the exception if not a myth. Enjoy.


كانت نيران الحرب العالمية الثانية مستعرة فى أوروبا عندما قرر البريطانيون اعلان الحرب على اليابان التى قصفت ميناء (بيرل هاربور) ودمرت عددا كبيرا من السفن الحربية الأمريكية. قام رئيس وزراء بريطانيا آنئذ (ونستون تشرتشل) باستدعاء السفير الياباني وقال له ما معناه : (يؤسفنى ياسعادة السفير ان اعلم سعادتكم بعزم حكومة صاحب الجلالة البريطانية باعلانها الحرب على دولتكم بسبب اعتدائكم على حليفتنا الولايات المتحدة الأمريكية، راجيا منكم نقل ذلك الى حكومتكم الموقرة، وأرجو من سعادتكم الاستعداد لمغادرة بريطانيا خلال مدة 48 ساعة من الآن. أكرر أسفى على اضطرارنا على اتخاذ هذا القرار وأرجو لكم عودة سالمة الى بلدكم الجميل). وكان ذلك بحضور عدد كبير من الصحفيين من مختلف الجنسيات. وفى صباح اليوم التالي نشرت الصحف ما جرى بين تشرتشل والسفير الياباني.

وفى اليوم ذاته احتج بعض أعضاء البرلمان البريطاني على (الأدب الزائد) التى أبداه تشرتشل اتجاه السفير، وعلت أصوات استنكارهم فى المجلس. نهض تشرتشل مبتسما وقال لهم :(لا يوجد مانع من أن يكون المرء مؤدبا حتى مع عدوه الذى يريد قتله). وتوقفت احتجاجات المحتجين.

تذكرت ذلك وأنا اشاهد (الفيديو) الذى صور الصحافي العراقي الذى رمى بحذائيه على جورج بوش فى المؤتمر الصحفي، مما أعطى صورة مشوهة عن الشعب العراقي الذى يكرم ضيوفه حتى وان كانوا من الأعداء حفاظا على اصول الضيافة. ثم أن رئيس الوزراء العراقي كان الى جانب بوش فشكل ذلك اهانة له أيضا، بل شكل اهانة لكل الموجودين فى القاعة، وحتى لمشاهدى البث التلفزيوني وخاصة العراقيين منهم. الغربيون لا يعتبرون ذلك اهانة، فالسياسيون منهم تعودا على ما يقذف عليهم من الطماطم أو البيض الفاسد وحتى الحجارة. والأحذية عندهم لا تختلف عن أي شيء آخر يرتديه الانسان.

لم أكن فى يوم من الأيام أحب أو أحترم بوش، بل كنت اعتقد انه ناقص العقل، وعندما هاجم العراق قلت لأصدقائي ومعارفي: الآن قد تأكد لدي انه مجنون حقا، ولكن ما كان أحد يستطيع انهاء حكم الطاغية صدام الا مجنون مثل بوش.

وما حصل بعد ذلك يشبه رب العائلة الذى دخل بيته لص قاتل، فاتصل بالشرطة طالبا تخليصهم من القاتل فيهرع اليه عدد كبير من الشرطة المسلحين بالأسلحة الثقيلة ويطلقون النيران بكثافة شديدة على البيت، ويلقون القبض على المجرم ولكنهم أثناء الهجوم دمروا البيت وقتلوا البعض من أفراد العائلة. وهذا بالضبط ما حصل للعراق والعراقيين من قتل وتدميرفضاع الشيء الكثير من حلاوة انقاذهم من حكم البعث الأسود.

ولكن العراقيون أنفسهم واالجيران قتلوا من العراقيين ودمروا أكثربكثير مما فعل الأمريكان، ولو لم يظهر بينهم من سموا أنفسهم (المقاومة) يقودهم رجال دين دجالون وسياسيون انتهازيون لكان العراق الآن فى خير حال ولكان الأمريكيون قد انسحبوا قبل سنتين أو أكثر. جلب الأمريكيون الشركات لاعادة اعمار العراق ليجعلوا منه بلدا ديموقرطيا قويا عزيزا، فهاجمهم (المقاومون) ودمروا ما عمرت تلك الشركات، فهربت الشركات والمقاولون وتوقف الاعمار، وشح ماء الشرب والكهرباء ونفد الدواء، وقال (المقاومون) ومن مولوهم وسلحوهم بأن السبب فى ذلك هو وجود الأمريكان فى البلد. وبقيت بلايين الدولارات التى خصصتها الولايات المتحدة لاعمار العراق معلقة وقد لا نحصل عليها أبدا بسبب تلك الأعمال الاجرامية للمقاومين (الشرفاء).

وجن جنون البعثيين الهاربين ومن لف لفهم بعد توقيع الاتفاقية التى نصت على انسحاب القوات الأمريكية خلال مدة أقصاها ثلاث سنوات، وهو ما كانت تطالب به (المقاومة) من (جدولة) الانسحاب. ولا أظن انهم سيكفون عن خلق المشاكل والمصاعب أمام الحكومة الحالية. ورمي الأحذية هو آخر سلاح لجأ اليه (المقاومون)، ولكن الحذاء لم ولن يصيب الهدف، ولكن راميه سيبقى حافيا حتى انفاسه الأخيرة.

عاطف العزي

شمعون: حرام أن يعير احد عون أهمية لأن دواءه ليس عندنا بل في العصفورية
الجوزو: لقد سقط لبنان وسقطت حكوماته، بفضل إرهاب حزب الله
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Postby jieh2008 » Fri Dec 26, 2008 6:59 pm

George, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Jamil, and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Jamil responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies George with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'Phase one?' wonders Jamil.
'Yeah,' laughs George, 'I've quit buying.
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Postby jieh2008 » Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:51 pm

Two guys and a Baladye worker were fishing in Saadiet one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the civil war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the water. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the Baladye worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
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Postby jieh2008 » Fri Mar 06, 2009 12:10 am

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the police came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
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Postby jieh2008 » Wed Apr 01, 2009 11:10 pm

A group of doctors at a global medical conference are bragging to each other about the state of medicine in their home countries.
A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."
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Postby jieh2008 » Fri May 01, 2009 6:29 pm

A woman is standing (n….), looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....

one more:

A wife and a husband were sitting at a table at a social event , and the husband kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
The wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says the wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...
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Postby jieh2008 » Mon May 25, 2009 2:07 pm

An older couple had a son. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a 10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a sip, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: HONEY! Our son is going to be a politician."
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